Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
