youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
