The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
