Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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