I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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