when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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