He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
