i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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