why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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