Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
