Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
