I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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