The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
