Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
