I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
