wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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