Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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