I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
