Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
