Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
