After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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