Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am spending my child support on dildos
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
