i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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