His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
