i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Drunk is a universal language darling
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
