Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
