Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
