Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
