he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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