You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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