Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
