no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
