wrigley field is MILF paradise
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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