I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
