Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
