somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
