Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
