hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
