Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
