paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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