Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
