Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm like, not good at living.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
