dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
