Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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