It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
