if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
