last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
