note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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