nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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