My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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