Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
