I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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