this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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