Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
