All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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