You smell like a Billy Joel song
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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