Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
