Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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