The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
