If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
